i have a confession [sync]

[Onzy]

Bella paced her room, desperation clawing at her and a million thoughts around her. This could not be happening now. Not in any way and form, but it was what was proven. The consequences of her actions had caught up with her about two weeks ago, and since then she had chosen to avoid Kian. She couldn't face him, her shame being her constant companion for about the same period of time. It had probably been four weeks since that time on the trail, and this just couldn't have happened at a worst time. New students were coming in, and her time at the college was almost over. Now this had happened. Her fate was cursed and she should have realised that a long time ago. A knock at the door stopped her restless pacing, and she listened. Bella, please! Just open the door. I'm worried about you! came the voice of Alexi. Between him and Andrew, she didn't know which was worst. Kian had gotten the message about three days into her silence, and left her alone. She was at a breaking point.

Kristin needed a break from being a mother. It was great that she had Seth and Brynne to keep her busy, but after Seth had gotten ear infection, sleep was scarce. Ieuan had been her knight, no doubt with orders from Dafydd, and had taken the twins out for the day. Dafydd was back in the office, the lack of sleep also taking a toll on him, but he refused to back down. She had done absolutely nothing the whole day, just chilling with coffee in front of the TV. The dogs were her company, and they were just as eager to do nothing. Jax and Luna were rolled on their backs, but Cedar and Icey were with Dafydd. She sighed as she put on another DVD and made herself comfortable on the couch once more.

Bella had to make a choice, but she knew only one person that would be able to help. Alexi's voice died down at the door, and waiting another five minutes, she put on her trainers and fled the room as quietly as possible. Samson was obvious company, and she made a forceful march to the staff residences. There never seemed to be time when she was just spending some happy time around her adopted family. If anything, she hoped that Dafydd wasn't home and that she wouldn't have to say anything. Knocking on the door, she heard the frantic scrambling of dogs from the door and a firm sit!. So it was Kris who was at home. The door opened and where Kris smiled, Bella allowed silent tears to fall down her face.

Kris didn't mind getting up again, and when she opened the door to see that it was Bella, smiled briefly but it fell when she was crying. Kris did the instinctive thing and took the girl in her arms, leading her towards the couch, and comforting her. I'll go make some tea, she said, leaving a sniffing Bella on the couch with the dogs. Once in the kitchen, she sent a text to Dafydd saying: Hey love. Something wrong with Bells. Can you come? xxx. Making the tea and going back to the couch, Kris was worried enough about this girl she had come to see as a daughter.

[Sync]

Dafydd slumped into his chair, exhaustion swamping his aching body. Lessons had resumed, and so had the students drama. He hadn't had a moments peace for the last week, especially with the twins as well. Apparently, it was their mission to rid Kristin and himself of any chance to sleep. Letting his head fall against his desk with a thump, he groaned tiredly. He could not wait for the weekend to catch up on his sleep a little. But, it was only Monday. Scowling into the smooth wood of his desk, he grumbled to himself as he straightened up. Icey seemed to roll his eyes at his masters antics, and Cedar had set up a steady thump of his tail against the side of the desk. "Yeah, yeah. This is amusing for you Cedar, my boy. But for myself? This is like hell." he mumbled to the brindle hound, ruffling his audits affectionately before turning his attention to the computer. He had at least twenty emails to reply to, with more coming in every hour.

Half way through responding to an email from the English department, his phone buzzed obnoxiously on the desk. Cedar let out a sharp bark, as he always did when the phone went off, and Dafydd shushed him while picking up the phone. Seeing that it was a text from Kris, he rose a brow in surprise. She usually called him during the day, not text. His expression changed instantly as he read what was send, concern and confusion taking over the surprise. Glancing at the half finished email, he quickly finished it off before typing a reply to Kris. Yeah, shall be there now. xxx he typed, before locking the computer and calling to Icey and Cedar to follow. He left the office, jogging every couple of steps as his expression grew more anxious. The receptionists looked at him curiously, he turned briefly and mouthed the word Bella and they nodded in understanding. Icey kept pace with his owner, but Cedar bounded ahead, following the path that would lead them to Hallow Flats.

Stumbling to a halt outside the front door of his home, he fumbled with the handle before allowing the dogs to bound in first and he followed. Cedar, who immediately spotted Bella and Samson, bounded over to the girl and planted himself in front of her. His expression, though comically pleased to see her, held a hint of confusion at her sad expression. Icey chose to completely ignore what was going on around him and immediately retreated to the far corner where a dog bed was placed. Dafydd's expression remained concerned as he made his way to his adoptive daughter. Dragging one of the armchairs closer to where she was sat on the sofa, he reached out and placed a reassuring hand on Bella's knee. Sharing a quick look with Kris, he returned his attention to Bella.

"Bells, sweetheart? What's the matter? You've not been yourself for a while now." he commented quietly, running through previous meetings with the girl in his mind. It didn't escape his notice that Kian had been suspiciously absent from most meetings, where as the pair had been pretty much attached at the hip throughout the summer. Kian had definitely been spending more time with Ieuan, and hadn't been himself or so Ieuan had told Dafydd. His expression darkened suddenly, coming to the conclusion that Kian had something to do with this. "Kian?" he queried, his tone no longer as soft. There was a definite edge to it.

[Onzy]

Bella leaned back in the couch, sipping the tea and allowing the warmth to seep into her bones. Samson was being the doggy idiot that he really was, but he was a comfort. Jax had decided that he was also going to lie on the couch, but this time next to Kris. The female had her arm around Bella the whole time, and in this Bella found comfort. It was quiet in the room apart from the movie that was on, and even then the volume was low. She just couldn't talk, her thoughts a mixture of blame and denial. She also knew that Kris had texted Dafydd, and the moment would come where he would be entering the apartment. She hated herself for always causing trouble or having an issue. This was not how she had pictured her life to end up being.

Kris glanced up when the door opened. Relief flooded her system and she hoped that Bella would now be able to say what she wanted to say. Sharing a glance with Dafydd, she merely shook her head, indicating that she didn't know any more than he did. Obviously Dafydd had a lot more interaction with the girl that she did, but Bella was retreating into her shell again, the same way she had a few years ago.

A few minutes later Dafydd came in, and Cedar bounded up to her. The dog was a lot more outgoing than Icey, and Bella scratched between his ears, those eyes holding a confused expression. I wish I could say that I was okay, she thought, and looked up at Dafydd. The words however could not come, and she tried several times to form them. So Dafydd had noticed that something was wrong, but had been to good to ask. At the one word question, she nodded simply, not having the guts to say anything more.

I've been avoiding him, she whispered, and it seemed to click with Kristin. Shock opened her eyes wider and she mouthed an Oh. How long Bella? she asked, and Bella looked her straight in the eyes. Not anything more than that was needed, but there was still clarification for the more tired male specimen that was there. I don't know. A few weeks maybe, Bella answered the question, shame burning inside of her and appearing on her face. Dafydd, I'm... I'm pregnant, she choked out, fear clearly audible in her tones.

[Sync]

Dafydd nodded slowly, guessing as much. He briefly wondered what Kian's view on the situation was. He wasn't a person that took well to being ignored. Look what happened last time, he ended up in jail. Sighing almost inaudibly, he returned his mind back to the current situation, tuning in to the exchange both Kris and Bella were having. Confusion took over as the main emotion playing across his features, as well as suspicion as Bella answered, her face flaming in.. was that shame? Shaking his head, trying to sort out his jumbled mind, he suddenly froze when Bella addressed him. His gaze, currently fixed on Bella's face, was now blank. He processed the information in silence, unmoving. A heavy silence fell over the three, the only sound came from the steady breathing of the dogs. A gentle snore that sounded from Icey suddenly broke Dafydd's trance, and his expression suddenly grew furious.

"I'll kill him." he suddenly hissed, leaning back in the chair before making to get up. He then paused, looking at Bella with an unreadable expression. "You haven't told him, have you?" he asked, already knowing the answer. The avoidance suddenly made sense, and the fact that she'd been refusing to socialize with anyone unless forced. Even when she'd come to see the twins, she'd been quiet and withdrawn. Not even Ieuan had been able to get a rise out of her. His posture relaxed a little, and he settled back into the chair. Reaching out to clasp her hand, he looked at her a more settled expression. "You have to tell him Bella. And you also have to decide what you want to do about it." He looked up at Kris, smiling tightly at her. He then continued on softly, his tone much more compassionate. "You don't have to keep it if you don't want it Bella, nobody will judge you. But I do think you need to discuss this with Kian, not just decided it on your own."

As he awaited Bella to reply, he couldn't help but think what Kian's reaction to the news would be. There was no telling really. As much as the boy had improved since attending Park and meeting Bella, he was still unstable. Dafydd had no idea what he'd be like as a father. There was no telling. He could be brilliant, but he could also turn out like his own father. Dafydd shuddered at the thought, and immediately looked over it. No, Kian would be nothing like Bryn. For one, Bella would never allow it. And he also had a lot more positive role models at the academy now. With a sigh, Dafydd's hand came up to scrub at his jaw in frustration. Looks like the new school year was just going to be as 'exciting' as the last.

[Onzy]

Bella just sat there unmoving. Her immobile form didn't have the strength to say anything, but she leaned into Kris, seeking the comfort that she wouldn't have got from anyone else in her family. Andrew and Alex would join Dafydd in the lynching process, but there was nothing she could say that would make Dafydd change his attitude. She shook her head at the question, unsure if anything was making sense right now. To Bella her biggest dilemma was telling Kian about the situation. I can't. We're not even talking, and I don't know what his reaction to this will be, she answered, her voice flat, but holding a slight note of hysteria. If she struggled to tell Dafydd, how was she going to tell the one she loved that she was expecting his child?

Kris knew. It was easy to be scared at first when that news came through. She had been petrified of having a child, mainly because all her other pregnancies hadn't even made it past the first trimester. Now, here was Bella, 19 and pregnant, and her 'daughter' was scared of telling Kian. The news she had given Dafydd had had the man in a constant state of stress for the best of eight months, seeing that the kids had been born a month to early. Now he was going to go through it all again, but this time he was on the war path. If she got there first though she would just shoot Kian. Obviously Bella had to account for her involvement, but Kian was the idiot that forgot to use some sort of protection. Kris had been silent throughout the exchange, but when Dafydd suggested abortion, she glared at him. She hoped he got the message that he was sleeping on the couch for that.

Then came the question about what she was going to do with the child. Abortion was not an option. She would not end another's life because she had been reckless. No. I'm not having an abortion Dafydd. It's not even an option. she retorted vehemently, making sure that her point came across. Her face paled slightly at the thought of Kian being a father though, and she hoped that fate dealt her better cards when it came to that aspect. Either that or Kian was leaving her. Somehow she would have to survive this. I need you to help me find him Dafydd. I don't think I can deliver this news alone, she whispered, desperation and pleading in her dark oracles. Instinctively a hand flew to her stomach, and she cradled the spark of life that was inside her. She was in this deep.

[Sync]

Dafydd's eyes widened when Kris's glare was thrown at him. His hands raised defensively as Bella spat her response at him, a deep sigh emitting from him. The heels of his hands scrubbed at his eyes, cursing himself silently as he rethought what he'd said. Maybe he hadn't been the most sensitive, but he'd also meant that she could have put the child up for adoption when it was born. Deciding against airing that thought, he clenched his fists at his side and returned his gaze to the two, now angry with him, women. He watched Bella closely, noting the paling of her already white skin. He winced, guessing that she was imagining Kian as a father. Chancing a glance at Kris, hoping she wasn't still angry with him, he shot her a desperate look. This situation, though he'd been in similar ones before with other students, was a little too close to home. Bella was like a daughter to him, not just a student, and Kian a son in many ways. Smothering another sigh, he resisted the urge to hold his head in his hands. There was never a dull day, that was for sure.

His thoughts were snatched from him as Bella spoke again, his brows lifting in surprise. He'd thought that it may have taken a lot more convincing to get Bella to find Kian. Apparently she was full of surprises today though. Smiling slightly at her in encouragement, he reached out and squeezed her knee gently. "Of course, sweetheart. I'll be with you every step of the way." he told her softly, patting her knee slightly before standing. "Now all we have to do is figure out where he'll be." Dafydd thought briefly, knowing that he wouldn't be out with Ieuan and the twins. His nephew preferred to spend time with them alone. That left three other options. Ruling out the barns, as he'd been there only an hour or so ago and there had been no sign of Kian. Both Awyr and Fflam were in their stalls so he wasn't riding or out in the pastures. He doubted that he was in the dorm room, as Kian didn't like to spend time inside. His expression furrowed as he came to the last possible place. "Bar." he sighed, reaching a hand out to Bella to help her up. "C'mon, we'll talk more in the car."

Short, but it's okay (:

[Onzy]

Bella regretted her behaviour that day on the trails. She behaved unlike herself and now she was paying for it so many ways. She was still early on in her pregnancy, so she had nine months to think about what to with the child, her child, Kian's child. She could hardly think about now, let alone nine months now. Her head fell into her lap, effectively blocking out the world around her as she listened to the silent exchanges going on above her. Her thin frame was shivering, and she felt Kris draw a light blanket over her shoulders. How was she going to tell her parents, Alexi and Andrew? This was not how she wanted to end up.

Kris caught Dafydd's glance, shaking her head, her own features showing the weariness that was echoed in Dafydd's face. All was forgiven, knowing that he would need her support if he had to get through this. She kept her arm across Bella's shoulders, making sure that the girl had the comfort there. This was hitting much closer to home than they would have liked. Hopefully Dafydd wasn't going to do too much damage to Kian. I'll stay here and wait for Ieuan, she said, making sure that she was at least home to control the anger cloud that was Ieuan. He was much better with the twins around, but there was no guessing what he would do to Kian if he heard.

Bella nodded, not really caring about what was going on any more. Dafydd helped her up, but her face was expressionless and body weak. It seemed that there was just too much going on in her to bother about the surroundings. Before she knew it she was in the car, and Dafydd was silent. I was reckless. I can't believe I was so stupid, she started, whispering the words and breaking the silence. They're going to kill him. They will form the perfect lynch mob, she gasped, for once realising how angry Ieuan, Max, Alex and Andrew would be. Her focus wasn't on the telling Kian part, it was on the saving Kian part.

[Sync]

Kian sighed deeply as he made his way back from the bar, his head pounding violently but for once it wasn’t alcohol induced. In fact, he hadn’t drunk anything in weeks; he hadn’t been able to bring himself to. He’d just been going to the bar to get away from the hostile atmosphere which had been surrounding him recently. Bella had been ignoring him for weeks, ever since their trail ride. His shoulders slumped as he thought back to it. At the time, it had been a wonderful idea. Now, it seemed to be one of his worse ideas. He gave another sigh, contemplating whether he may have pressured Bella into doing what they had done. As he thought back, she appeared to be more than willing. His fists clenched with frustration. He just couldn’t win, could he? Turning down the street that would take him back to the college, he placed a hard mask onto his expression. Students peered at him curiously as he passed them on the drive. Nobody ever passed on the opportunity to notice something new about Kian, there seemed to be always something interesting going on with his life. Ignoring them all, Kian kept his head down as he made his way back to the dorms.

Dafydd frowned at Bella’s words, trying not to dwell on them. Hell, nobody could blame him for seeing Bella as still innocent in his eyes. He’d given up on trying to convince himself that they boys were years ago. At her next statement, he couldn’t help but give a dry, throaty chuckle. ”Probably.” He gave an amused, yet still grim, smile. Turning the key to start the car, he sighed and peered out of the windscreen. His eyes widened slightly at the sight that greeted him, a downcast Kian glaring at the floor as he walked toward Dakota dorms. ”Looks like we won’t have to go to the bar after all.” Dafydd told Bella, nodding his head toward the male. Turning off the car again, he cast a glance at the girl. ”You go ahead, I’ll be right behind you.” he told her quietly, waiting for her to vacate the vehicle before he did.

Kian looked up suddenly when he heard the slam of car doors. His eyes alit with confusion at the sight of a thoroughly depressed looking Bella and Dafydd. ”Bells? What’s the matter?” he asked desperately as he made his way over to them, startling at the sour look on Dafydd’s face. He’d seen disappointment on the man’s face, as well as anger. But this expression almost seemed disgusted. He shrunk back instinctively, hating the fact that the expression was directed at him. Dafydd, who seemed to realize what he was doing, softened his expressions slightly but it was still disturbing to Kian. The young male stopped just to the left of Bella, unsure what he was to do. She hadn’t spoken to him in weeks, so he guessed reaching out to touch her was way out of the question. Wringing his hands nervously, he looked between his girlfriend, if that was what she still was, and his mentor. He didn’t think he’d been this far out of his comfort zone in years.

[Onzy]

Bella couldn't help but grin when Dafydd agreed to her lynch mob comment, but it faded almost as quickly as when it came. She glanced up when he said that they weren't going to the bar anymore, and looked straight into Kian's form. She missed him, it was as true as it could be, she missed spending time with him, just being in his presence. She nodded at Dafydd, waiting a few seconds, taking a deep breath and opening the door. The tears threatened to come again, but she swallowed it back again. Crying was not going to help this situation in the least, and she would not let her pain get in the way of finally telling Kian the truth. Bella just couldn't find the words to tell him. It was seemingly so easy to tell Dafydd, but Kian was another story.

Taking Kian's hands in her own, she gazed at him fondly for a moment, and she ran her fingers through his hair. I'm sorry that I avoided you, she said, knowing and hoping that an apology would help the situation along. what I am going to say now is going to be hard to accept. I know, because I even didn't want to. It would also explain why Dafydd is looking at you like that, she said, glancing over at him.

Bella drew in another breath, the time for avoidance was over, and she tightened her grip on his hands ever so slightly. Kian, I'm pregnant, she said finally, hoping that this wasn't the end. She might just have ended something wonderful with those three words, or it was going to be the beginning of a new journey.

[Sync]

The relief on his expression was almost comical when she reached out for his hands. Relishing in the contact, his thumbs gently traced the back of her hand as he clutched them tightly. He was slightly startled by her next move, but leaned into the touch none the less. He’d missed her more than he’d ever let on, although he should probably tell her so. He smiled softly at her apology, accepting it wordlessly. He didn’t blame her, truthfully. He hadn’t exactly done anything to resolve why she’d actually been avoiding him. At her next words though, his posture stiffened and he pulled back a little. Chancing a glance at the older male, he frowned when he saw that Dafydd was starting at the ground with an unreadable expression on his face. Kian tense automatically, his body already coiled to flee or fight. He was an expert in the latter by now, something he was no longer proud of. Looking down at his hands, still joined with Bella’s, when she tightened the grip and then caught her eye. What on earth was she going to tell him?

Dafydd had to look away from the intimate scene happening just in front of him. The way Bella and Kian interacted was something to be admired; he’d never seen Kian so content around another person. The young male had obviously missed the touch of his girlfriend, and was making the most of it so it seemed. A sharp intake of breath alerted him that Bella was about to break the news, which encouraged Dafydd to look up again. At the sight of a tense Kian, Dafydd frowned. That wasn’t going to turn out well. He just hoped that the boy would be able to keep his temper in check.

He didn’t process the words straight away; he continued to stare at her blankly. Ten seconds later, they assaulted him violently. Physically recoiling from the force of the words, he dropped Bella’s hands as if they burned him. His whole frame shook with a currently undefined emotion, his icy grey oracles wide as the three little words sank in. Then, all of a sudden, the warmth in his eyes froze. Replaced with a cold exterior and an angered mask on his expression, Kian’s fists bunched at his sides. He saw, from the corner of his eyes, Dafydd approaching Bella’s side and half shielding her. This made the young male angrier, but he kept his orbs locked on the brunette female. Unwavering.

”No.” he hissed, obviously furious. He didn’t believe the word, but couldn’t stop it from slipping out. ”I can’t be a father,” he snapped, his hands reaching up to tug at his dark locks in frustration. ”I can’t deal with this!” he snapped, his mind racing to the image of him as a dad. The only thing his obviously pessimistic mind could conjure was the identical image of his own father, which made Kian’s expression flare with a fresh round of fury. Without another word, he turned and stalked in the opposite direction to the dorms, now heading to the barns. His whole form was still shaking, fury mixed with fear, and unnoticed tears rolled down his cheeks. He couldn’t bring himself to turn around and reassure Bella that everything would be okay, because to him it wasn’t. This was probably the worst scenario his mind could cook up.

[Onzy]

once upon a time i was falling in love, but now i'm only falling apart.

Bella recoiled from Kian, his anger truly scaring her. She usually stood up to him, she had stared him down many times before, but now she had someone else to think of. Their, her, unborn child couldn't be harmed, but she was glad that Dafydd was there. His shadow fell across her as he came to stand next to her, shielding her from Kian and his anger, but not his words. Tears came freely, and rolled down her cheeks. She knew that Kian might have reacted like this, she didn't quite expect him to cheer to the heavens, but the fact that the look from him almost reflected pure hatred, caused her to deflect her own courage, and she stared at the ground. If this was shame, then she was feeling it full force. She tried to make herself disappear, as small as possible. Why couldn't the ground just swallow her up right now?

Each shout caused her to flinch visibly, and she knew that in some aspects he was right. She wasn't ready for this either, but it had happened and like it or not, she wasn't going to let this get her down, easy to think but maybe not as easy to apply. Kian spun around and left her there, all she wanted was his arms around her, the comfort and 'it's going to be okay'. It was hope that she was clinging onto as she sunk onto the step outside the dorm. Silent and choked sobs wracked her thin frame. Screw composure at this time, because her life was ripping apart at the seams. She might have just lost Kian over that act in the meadow. Thoughts raced through her mind, but each one caused more and more anger to flare up in her. Dafydd seemed to be torn, but honestly she couldn't care less.

Wiping the last tears away, Bella stood up and marched in blind fury towards Kian. He had made a good distance to the barns already, but she caught up quickly enough. She grabbed his arm, and forced him to stop. Face to face with him, she realised the height difference between them. I'm sorry Kian, but we both have to accept responsibility for what happened and the consequences thereof, she growled menacingly at him, but she only noticed his tears after the words came out. In a tender act, she reached up to wipe a stray one away. You are not your father Kian. I don't know why I have to keep repeating myself on that point, but you can't seem to accept it. I already told Dafydd that I am not having an abortion, but when we are ready to talk about this, we will discuss the other options, she said more gently, taking up his hands in her own once more.

I love you Kian Landeg, and I know what you are and the potential you have, Bella said finally. She reluctantly dropped his hands, and turned to walk back to the dorms. It couldn't have been harder for her to do that, but what surprised her was that Dafydd was still there. I'm going back to the apartment. I don't want to be alone right now, and Ieuan might want to know as well. Thanks for everything Dafydd, she said tiredly, a small smile gracing her features. She preferred to walk, rather mulling over the day's happenings than anything else.

there's nothing i can say, total eclipse of the heart.

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